Thus far it’s taken me 13 minutes to type this many words because ouch.
I decided my “let’s do this my way” approach to fitness wasn’t working so I enlisted the help of the Insanity program. If you’re not familiar with Insanity it’s a 60-day program designed, I think, to attack every single muscle in your body to the point that you’re no longer able to feed yourself, walk or even lift yourself out of bed so you slowly pass away, drowning in your own agony. I don’t think that’s how they market it but I’m pretty sure that’s the underlying theory behind the program.
I’m not entirely sure why I decided to do it, especially when I have a friend of mine that’s done it and who’s response to me when I asked if she liked it was – and I quote – “I hated every <use your imagination on colorful adjectives that belong here> minute of it. Twice.” On the plus side clearly it didn’t successfully kill her either time she did it; on the minus side she’s in better shape than I am so I’m not counting on being so lucky. I also have a buddy at work who started it last week and he’s still walking around, although I think I hear him whimpering in pain from time to time over the cube walls. And I just found out another friend is doing it, as well, and another starting up in a few weeks.
Right now I’m going to be happy I survived the Fitness Test this morning. Said test, which you do before you start and every two weeks, involves using eight medieval torture devices to “improve cardio”. As best I can decipher the improvement in cardio comes from screaming as loud as you can as muscles you haven’t felt since you accidentally did the splits on the playground in middle school suddenly get thrust into the limelight of exercises like “suicide jumps” and “push-up jacks”. I was doing fine on the first three or four, but by the time we got to the low plank obliques my body was cursing like a sailor using words I didn’t even know existed. Even my excessive volleyball playing didn’t prepare me for the 30-minute (and by “30-minute” I mean “8 minutes of exercise, 5 minutes of stretching and 14 minutes of resting”) start to my fitness adventure.
The other piece of advice I got about doing Insanity in the middle of volleyball season was “yeah, you’re screwed”. If I understand it correctly (and I’m not sure I do; I think blood stopped flowing to my brain about halfway through the third exercise in the fitness test) there’s five days of intense workout, one day of moderate workout and one resting day. That works well except I play three nights of volleyball and unless I missed the shift in the space-time continuum there’s still only seven days in the week. So one day of my regular leagues I’m going to be playing in the sand (trying to, anyway) after having abused my body with the intense workout. And that doesn’t count Saturday tournaments.
On the positive, though, the above comment came attached to a “you’re not going to be able to do both”. My response: challenge accepted. I don’t mind losing a bet to a friend over darts or bowling or something like that, but damn if I’m going to lose a bet to myself about finishing a 60-day fitness program, and since beach volleyball remains a rather high priority in my life there really is no room for compromise. It’s both…or die trying. (although the Vegas oddsmakers aren’t willing to put a line on which one of those two happens first)
I’m tracking my progress and I’m pumped to see some positive results by the July 4 weekend (roughly 6 weeks from now). As of today I’d be happy if “positive results” included “breathing”, but I strongly suspect I’ll be a fitter Pauly by that time; maybe one who can actually see his abs again.by